Should had done this when I was back.

Since not all of you have facebook.

Since dreams are the current subject.

I had one too. It was random, and at first it wouldn't make any sense. But come to think of it, it may have.

We were getting ready to climb Mt Kinabalu. It was a few days before. All of us were shopping for stuff/ gear. Then we came to the tupperware section. And for some reason we spent quite a long time there. All of us choose different one's.

All in different shapes and sizes.

I grabbed an average sized one when king choose a bigger one. The king was going on about how the tupperware represents our manhood.

Then andrew interrupted and showed us his. It was the smallest one (don't laugh, i'm not done yet.).

We then gave him shit about nothing could fit inside there as it would be quite a long hike. How is he going the accommodate 2 days food or whatever he was gonna put inside that tupperware?

Then he just sighed, looked down and gave all of us a stern "Guys, don't worry. It's always enough." And then he looked at us, and smiled.

That was the exact moment I woke up.
I've been trying to pull out some sense out of it.
This happened 2 weeks ago. I've been thinking ever since.

This is what I got so far :

In the future, in our lives we may come across different people, environments, jobs, experiences etc.
(In all shapes and sizes) It might seem overwhelming at first, fulfilling until we might not be able to accept anyting else. But there's always at least this small reserved space we will have for each other.

That's what I think Andrew was trying to tell me.

Also, there's also another theory that may seem a little selfish, haha.
No matter what we come across, whether it would be Mt Kinabalu, "fruity" girls or maybe another road trip to cyberjaya, we will always accommodate Andrew. There's always space, a spare seat, in the Kia Carnival for him.

In this context, there's always space in that damn tupperware for him. No matter how.. Small it is.
Selfish? You say? Haha.
But do we give a damn?
Do we ever?

We'll always love you, Andrew.
Although you still managed to be a fucker even from beyond the grave.

RVN for life.

Andrew….It has been almost 3 weeks since you’ve left all of us…Up till 2day I’m still in denial.. I think most of us are..looking back at pictures of all of us together during those fun times..still makes me think you’re still around and that when I go back to Malaysia..everything would be back to how it was..the old’ Rvn gang 2gether doing what we do best..But ..I’ve got to face reality..Its not easy..and It never will be …I guess I have to accept the fact that I would never see you again….in this life that is…I’ve never gotten a chance to tell you this.. But you’ve been a great cousin,friend and brother..not many people have the bond me and you share..I think we’re the closest cousins...haha… We were always known as the “cousins” in the gang..heh..Heck.. I still remember how I gave u your nickname Penguin..It was in the taxi on the way to Pertama.. If im not mistaken either shaun or ken was with us.. Good times..good times.. playing futsal back in Msia would never be the same without you… When most of the rvn’s left …It was usually me and you..and we would play at least twice a week…whether it was with our friends or with shameez and co…If its not futsal..we would be in the gym working out..haha..and u would be hardcoring on ur abs… u keep calling me slacker..but I think Ken is quite slacker also la..and daley fuck.. Well, I guess this is it… the only way we can see or speak to u is through our dreams.. I believe you’re communicating with us..so please continue to do so…. Till we meet again..

Your cousin,
Chris

-Rvn for life-

Change log.

Things that are done:

1. Background color. Grey is a bit mroe subtle, isn't it?
   
2. "About Us" photo.
3. "About Us" copywriting, slightly.
4. Individual Profile photos.
5. Cleaning up contributers. Wern Eik, you still want me to put you up?
6. New sidebar compnent. "RVN of All Time"
7. New RVNOtM.
8. New header, kinda.
9. Removal of my photo at the end.
10. Removal of voting booth.
    

Thing's that i'm working on.

1. Photography of new header. I'll make it as killer as I can.
   
2. Maybe altering the profile pictures, they're too striking and distracting. Doesn't match the background.
3. A new RVNoTM. Haha.
4. Probably a database where I can upload all the important photos (penang, andrew's etc) so you guys can grab it. It'll be mid-res though. Around 800 x 600.
5. New "link us" photos.
6. Any suggestions?

Hope you guys like what I've done so far.


Ahh.

Riise!

First of all, well said, Ken. All of us can only imagine what you're going through, but I am pleased to know that you're doing alright. What you wrote really gave us an insight on how and what you were thinking as most of us can only wonder.

To everybody else, rvn.blogspot.com will have a brand new look in the next 48 hours. No, the header will not be Andrew's photo with an "in loving memory" tagline. This won't be a blog that's going to mourn, this will be a place where we celebrate his life. Our lives. Past (with andrew), current and future (with his memory) events. Everything, together. Isn't that why we started this blog? To stay close, to maintain our bonds because we were scattered everywhere due the colleges we were studying in. Then we were scattered around the world, and now.. Andrew has left us. So that should inspire the sheer importance on how important this blog is. Well, not the blog, to be exact.. It's just a metaphor. The sheer importance on how, like ken said.. We should appreciate one another. No matter where we are/what we're doing.

Andrew's on words, "I don't believe that there's anybody out there that's as close as us." And I have believed that for a long long time. I still do, and will.

I'm working on it. I hope it shall breathe new life, a new beginning and no, Andrew will not be forgotten. Never will, as we have already silently vowed that none of us will ever leave each other.


Right?


"No matter what's the score."

2am

Its 2am and i'm suppose to be studying for my test. Biggest mistake was to check facebook and then go to groups. Then pictures. Been blasting music for abit to block out the world. Andrew, i miss you. I know i'm suppose to be staying strong and heal. Somehow i have this sinking feeling. Now i kinda understand how celebrities feel. I'm not saying that i am one, thats not the point at all. I'm talking about loneliness. Yes, loneliness. Celebrities are rich and famous and some influential. Yet, they resort to drugs and alcohol. Some slip into depression, some just die. I think it's the loneliness that just ate them. Kept on devouring them til there's nothing left. What's the point of all the money in the world when you don't have anyone to share it with. Cliche. But it is one cuz its true. I sat in the bathroom for quite abit. Suddenly, i felt i was alone. Me and the 4 walls around me felt like that was what the world is. Thoughts flashed by like racing cars. So many, and sad to say, none were happy. Now i get why people do the things they do to relieve themselves of this sinking feeling. It's a dangerous feeling. Then, after awhile, I thought of you guys. All my friends around the world. I'm not alone. I have you guys. I just wanna tell u guys i appreciate all of you. Checking up on how i'mdoing. Without you guys, who knows what would've happened. Thank you. You guys cushioned the fall. I would've broke. I love you guys. WE lost Andrew,yes. But WE still have each other. Don't stop appreciating.

What happened in Melbourne?

The same day we arrived, my friends in Melbourne (headed by Josh) organised a memorial for Andrew. Around 30-40 ppl turned up. Loads of people from our batch, seniors, juniors, some people from HELP (Alex, Wai Luen etc) and mostly people Andrew met over here turned up for this event. There was a sermon by a pastor from Stesh's church and eulogys were given by Munfye, Chris and I. We ended it with a candle lighting ceremony. It went extremely smooth.

Lazy to resize. Save this pic to have a better picture of who turned up.
This isnt all of them la. Just the closer ones.


And the closest.

Will change the header soon. Before the weekend.
I'm swamped with work. Loads of catching up to do.

I Miss You, Dy.

I have to admit, i got damn pissed when you kept using the "got la" and "my friends" sentence, but come to think of it, that was how I used to talk to you (all). I regret, for not spending enough time with you, especially in the last few weeks before the accident happened. It was my choice to abandon/ffk you. I really do regret it. On the other hand, you helped me out countless times in the past, and I will always remember that. Thank you dyy, I owe you a lot. Parting with you has changed my views on many things, now I tend to appreciate friendship more. You will always be in our hearts.

We all love you.

Dreaming Out Loud

All of us are alive we have organs that keep us alive, but what really are we ? We are souls, that's what we are. People constantly talk about personality, character and emotions. Let me tell you that our bodies do not hold such power to show things like that. Our brain do not dictate who we are, it only helps us to make decisions, to analyze situations.. let me emphasize... "help".. not entirely.. the rest.. is from our souls.. deep down inside.. it proves who we are.. really.. our personality. Think rationally, how can your brain or any other organ of your body possibly show who you are or how you act ? Feeling what you feel ? Our bodies are just containers for our souls, to keep us inside.. to help us communicate.. like an aid for our souls. I finally found out what I really want in life. I used to know what I really want in life when I was younger but it drifted away somehow. As we grow older, we get distracted from so many materialistic desires that we forget who we are and what we want deep down. We forget our souls. Whereas, when we were younger, our minds were somewhat pure, no distractions, one mind and only one mind. Nowadays, our mind, our souls, are clogged up with things that don't really matter that much. Then, there will one day come a new beginning for us or not, whatever you might think of it, to save us, from a world so detached. Our day came, Andrew saved us.. It's time for us to start anew.. a clean slate.. speak to your soul.. look deep down.. its there.. at least I've found it.. I want you guys to find it too.. I know what I have to do.. here.. on earth.. for now.. Do what you need to do, no boundaries, with the thought of not hurting anyone close to you or burdening. Think straight. What you really want here on earth.

Guys whoever, please try not to keep things inside, but if you feel have to then I'll respect it.. but if you need someone to confide in.. just do it.. dont hesitate.. okay ? Talk to God... talk to a friend... talk to ur family.. someone you know close.. I'll be here .. im just a keyboard away, a phone call away.. I'm sorry I don't do the usual.. because I don't see it.. all of you are so happy go lucky.. thats how I reply.. I wouldnt have expected any other feelings with that exterior happiness.. I wouldnt know whats going on deep down inside.. so if you have to.. come out of your shell..

We are all close for a reason.

"i prefer life when it was so simple like in form 4 like that"
~we should still be able to live that way
Andrew

I'll live your dream.

Hello there.

Would really like to express myself now but i'm just lost for words. I would really really want to write something for Andrew but I have a feeling i just wont be able to handle that right now. Anyway on a visual note, here's the new video, shown during his memorial in Melbourne. With some unseen photos.

I know i promised to put it up earlier but i've been sick as hell. Plus i had a few logistic problems. I.M me for details. Heh.

This all still feels like a dream...

Hey guys, hope everyone's holding up fine. Let time do the healing I guess. I'd like to do a personal testimonial because I feel I have to. This is how we fought.

Andrew I know you remember how we first met, it was like destiny. I know if it wasn't for Chris, but that is why I met Chris in the first place right? In primary school. Like I said, it was as if everything had already been planned before hand. Everytime I look at you, I think back to the time we met at the Kuntum thing. Ironically, thats what you wrote in my tribute book before I left. That was memorable because somehow I can't forget details of that day like how I got scolded in front of everyone, and that guy with the freaking bumble bee yoyo think he's damn cool all, and how we found that diapers/panties thing underneath the chair and how I met my old friend there as well. From then on I can tell you it was a blur because nothing else mattered. I'm not sure if the rest know or you can remember, but the next cap of my life was when I had that big fight with you. Do you remember ? Actually it was me and Rezza. How we talked behind your back when you were right in front of us.. haha.. that was so long ago.. felt like a month ago.. It was a fight about how you were kiam remember.. I dont know how that turned out.. but if anyone wants to know.. feel free ... take a look at the pics.. you'll find out.. I don't regret that fight.. it brought us so much closer.. from then on .. I can so much as tell all of you with a sturdy heart that we never fought after that .. at all.. if there were it would have been because we were both acting like sorhais.. Everything started falling into place when we started playing CS huh.. it just got better from there on.. nothing could stop us.. we were on top of the world.. we lived life like we should have.. We had tuitions together with Tajun and Chris.. fun ... so fun.. remember Pearly ? she loved you.. heh.. those 3 years in primary school.. was so much better with you around.. together with the guys.. and I wont tell you about high school coz we all shared it together..somehow at times you were a mystery to me andrew.. you kept bugging me about alot of things.. especially church... specially when we were young.. and then as we grew older, other things.. it felt like you were rushing for something.. I didnt know what.. you know what I find weird ? I find it weird that i spent my last 3 most important years of primary school with you.. and my last 3 most important years of high school with you.. keruing will never go down.. ironic.. I felt you were rushing rushing to be somewhere .. to go somewhere.. now I know.. i've always wanted to know what your philosophy of life was .. now I know.. You've always talked about success.. I will be that.. You've always wanted to travel around the world.. I will do that.. You've always wanted to do it young.. I'll be young when all this happens.. I will not dedicate my life to you.. I will not live my life for you.. but I will tell you Andrew.. what I can do.. I will live your dream.. your journey.. thats what life means.. U finally found out huh .. We will be back in f4. I promise..

~ I will take your heart with me, I will fly as you would, so spread your wings and fly as high as you can, for down here, I will be doing that.

I love all of you guys too so much.. be around.. lets all catch up.. you are all family..
~SAS~BTMD~Saints~Titanz~JBI~
Foolish games we play..

In Loving Memory of Andrew Yap

Andrew Yap, you have brought all of us so much closer than before. You showed us how to appreciate friendship amongst everyone. There's so much i want to say to you but i've lost of words. I did not expect to come back from Melbourne for this. We all didnt. You were more than a friend to all of us. You have opened my eyes and definately for the rest. Life is so short. The bond between us are so strong that although u are gone but u are in our hearts.

Everything we do we think of you, every song i listen, it reminds of you. God had planned this for you and i believe u are at a better place. I am happy that u lived a life everybody dreamt of, i can say u lived a life to the fullest. You were so determined to do something when you say it.

We're all broken inside andrew, time will heal us. All i have left is memories of you in my heart, i miss you. You are special to us andrew.

But for now and ever, we love you and miss you so fucking much dearly. Everything's going to be so different without you. I'll see you up there.

In loving memory of Andrew Yap

18/12/1988 - 6/4/2008

We will miss you so much.

Andrew.

Andrew

It just kicked in. You're gone. You were suppose to teman me when i came back to msia in july. Even before i left, every single time we went out, u were there with me. We were suppose to play futsal. Our team was the strongest i've been in with shameez, kur win. I was suppose to come back and ole u.. and then laugh. we were suppose to play pool. remember you were suppose to get revenge since i kicked ur ass so bad before i left?

I know all that is history now. And wtv plans ahead would just be wat ifs. Indeed i will miss you. You were always there for me when i needed to talk to someone. No doubt, everyone else was too. But u were the preferred choice somehow. Mb it was the bond we had when ppl started leaving. It was the 2 of us against the world. Tah kei, pool, foosball. We could do it all. And i'll always rmb u for that.

Its selfish of me to still want u around and fight to survive. But i guess its better this way, so u wont have to suffer even after u get up. And i know ppl say you're in a better place now, but deep down i know you're still watching us. Everyone of your rvn boys. Looking after us to make sure we're safe. You'll always be in my heart bro. I'll always rmb the 3 jokes u told me on skype the last time we talked. noah, america/canada and rooster. It was stupid, yet memorable.

King said u looked peaceful. At ease. Im sure u waited for shaun b4 u let go. It was nice of u. We will all miss you.

Andrew...

Standing there and watching you on the hospital bed is by far the hardest thing i have had to do.

What's worse is i have to leave for Langkawi today.

I feel useless and lost.

I'm sorry Andrew, please understand.

I would'nt want to be anywhere else but by your side.

Keep fighting man...i'll be back when you wake up.

Rest well...you shall be healed my friend.

To the rest.

We wanna thank everybody that cared. All the visits, the blogs, the calls.

Everything.

I'll keep it short.

He'll thank you in person when he's awake.

"Don't you try and stop me."

Doors open.
Your dad calls my name.
I stumbled in as fast as I could.
He said "Zil, he moved. Talk to him, please."

Holding back my tears, I whispered, to the tune of "Amazing Grace" that your parents were singing.

"Andrew, can you hear me? I know you can so just fucking listen. This is Zil, listen to me. Your boys are back. Are you listening? Your boys from Melbourne are back. 4000 miles. 8 and a half of the longest hours our lives. Your boys are back andrew, me, Tan and Chris are back. We didn't come all the way to see you like this so can you please just wake up? Can you hear me? Fight this Andrew. You know us RVN boys were never good at losing so why start now? Why should you start now? Fight it, Andrew please wake up. Shaun's coming back in 2 days. He can't sleep, and like the rest of us he's just not able to think of anything else. Ken's tying real hard but he's all tied down in Michigan with exams. Cruel timing, but his mum told me he's a mess. He loves you, I love you.. Your boys love you. Your family. So do the 40 people that are standing outside, waiting for you. So why don't you fucking wake up Andrew? Wake the fuck up!

We RVN boys never lose.

No matter what's the score.

So get up."




Singing stops.

And you moved you arm.

"Don't break down in front of his family." Chee told me, that morning.




Tell me, how the fuck?